Wednesday, June 29, 2005
WE all have secrets....
Haha, no DUH!
But how dark is yours? It'd be very foolish to say mines darker than yours, or yours is darker than mine... Yet i think to all of us secrets ARE dark, then they wouldn't be secrets, would they?
YEt to start of with this topic on secrets makes you anticipate that i might be leaking off someone elses secret, but no i'm not going to. Trust is only established if the other party can confirm that you can keep your mouth shut.
But i must say that i have secrets, dark secrets that i have never told anyone. No ONE, No One, knows about them. Not even my best friends...
I suppose, i keep myself together with the secrets i gather, the web of secrets and lies helps ironically to keep me together. I think if i ever told anyone my deepest darkest secret i would fall apart... Literally and metaphorically. Sometimes the most painful of memories makes us remember that we are still alive, and makes us question ourselves as well, why are we alive in the first place.
I'm sure many of you have been on that brink of self-destruction, teasing death with plaintive thoughts of suicide. Some do it out of boredom and some... just do it...
I have also seen that secrets almost gives one a sort of power over the other. Its like knowing the IC number of someone else. LOusy example but the best that i can think of.
I feel that those who openly claim that they keep no secrets are always the ones with the most to hide. They defend their somewhat awkward position by saying excuses like, " I like being honest" or " I keep no secrets so that nobody can have anything to hold against me." Its ironic, because their guilty and their " It wasn't me!" disposition sets them up as the main targets for suspicion.
I'm quite the eccentric am I?
I've been told once or twice, maybe thats why no girl will come up to me to ask for my number, not for other reasons other than being friends and wanting to stay in contact, or to add to the number of numbers in her phone book, so that every time she looks at her phonebook, she can say to herself " I have a lot of friends! Look at the number of people there are in my phonebook!" Ignorant of the fact that most people would have forgotten her face by the time she contacts them.
I think i've lost my inspiration, be it to write or to study. It could be Singapore, or the school, but most likely it would be due to myself. I've procrastinated to the point, that i've two more weeks to my mid-years and i'm SO not ready for it.
Back to secrets, i think that secrets are time bombs, as time passes by, the shelf life on them becomes smaller and smaller, and contrastingly the weight of these secrets increases little by little. Until you have this ticking atomic bomb within you ready to explode, and tear you apart. When the secret is revealed to the public or in one way or another you are reminded of it, it just blows up in your face, crumbling you to the ground , in a sad heap of clothes and gray matter. Some of us,we bury these secrets so deep within ourselves, padlocked and airlocked tight within our minds, that we never want to be reminded of ever again. Yet one way or another, its influence still manages to seep through our defences, like a pervasive toxic gas affecting the way we think and act. And us, we poor ignorant fools have no idea that the cause of all our troubles might be due to something that happened in the past. WE rant and rave at the sky, the people around us, the body we have, the mind that we think with.
We humans are all really pathetic.
That is why i've always held the belief that we are put upon this Earth to suffer. We suffer in life and we suffer in death. IS the suffering pointless? NO, i don't think so, suffering helps us to grow. So if you want to put this philosphy into an equation, it might go like this;
life= suffering= growth, thus in order to have a good life, we must suffer more, to grow up more so as to be more mature in ways of the world so that we can have a good life, as we make the right choices for ourselves. Isn't that logical? Maybe thats why subconciously, teenagers make a whole lot of mistakes in that stage and continue to make mistakes as they progress into adulthood, with life making us learn her lessons the HARD and PAINFUL way.
It's quite depressing don't you think? That maybe all your problems was stemmed from this supernatural universal law that we MUST suffer in life. But hey, life wouldn't be life without all her idiosyncrasies and nasty tricks. So never let your guard down, but don't get too paranoid either, you might die from a nervous breakdown. Just take things as they come and suck it up cause life always gives you shit whether you like or not.
Learn to hate her and like her as well, cause never anywhere else will find a more bittersweet fruit than the apple of life.
deadnessmaster live again at 10:46 PM
Monday, June 27, 2005
It has been freaking long since, i've blogged. More than a month but i don't think anybody will be reading this anyway.
WE give up our dreams to provide satisfaction to others. Sometimes its hard to compplete an act with nobody behind you supporting you. And I realised that i was right. You can do things by yourself.
LIke giving up writing, because you're sick and tired of hearing people tell you can't. Then fine, i stop, happy now?
LIke walking your own road, be it into fucking hell, or... wait there is no heaven...
But is there hell?
LEts digress. Its starting to get interesting. I should probably be studying right now, but i still seem to be in the holiday mood, which frankly means, I'm screwed.
MY two best friends are walking off the deep end, to say that i will follow is insulting. Do we all not walk our own road, that is the path they have chosen, i respect their decision. IT sounds cold but its not, they made a choice as so have I.
You, I have no right to judge them for what they do. As i have no right to judge you, and you over me. Yet ironically, its only by judging people can we distinguish them from all the rest of the lemmings of this world. So it then boils down to this question.
What Makes you, you?
Well, thats not normally what a person asks him/herself, most of the time cause it requires them to set up a list of all the what makes me bad and what makes me good. A whole lot of people can sometimes be in denial of what makes them bad, cause they never have been on the receiving end of their actions thus, the blindness to their own faults.
Yet there are some who have an inkling or better yet, self-knowledge that what they do is bad, yet they still go ahead and do it, in all defiance that they can actually do something that others would not... strange isn't it?
Right now, most who have been reading this entry so far, have almost come to the conclusion that what i'm talking about, could very well be referring to them Specifically.
What i want to say is.... Don't flatter yourself, this entry has begun and will end in relation to ME. Self-centeredness has always been a recurrent theme when it comes to these talk-with-me entries.
WHere was I?
Oh! yes! BAd things... YEt what is bad anyway? I hurt myself for pleasure, is that bad? I mean, im not slitting YOUR throat tonight so why bother with what i do in my own free time. You look upon in distaste and you tell yourself, almost patronising yourself with thoughts of,
HOw can he do that to himself?
Doesn't he know that its wrong?
He is harming one of GOD's creations, what God made from his very hands...
I say to these people, back off, for your information, the ENUL gave birth to me, whether i like it or not. God-created? HAH! I'd probably spit in the face of the idiot, and tell them to go look for the ENUL, and ask her if GOD was living in her stomach. She'd probably slap them upside down, and tell them, " In this house, I AM GOD!!!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
It is so sickening to tell people that i'm not christian or catholic. I mean i can stand it when my friends talk about church and stuff or by the gods forbid, about GOD. But its damn sickening to sit there in silence as they judge you with those huge accusing eyes, as if they were the ones weighing the scales of my life, and virtuously say within themselves, " This poor soul is going to HELL."
You know what i say, " I'd Rather be Damned!"
So for once and for all ,people out there, if you want to judge me for what i do, then you had better be ready to spend the rest of eternity with me in hell.
'cause to quote from that textbook you people carry around.
"Judge not others, lest ye be judged yourself"
I think thats how it goes, but somewhere along that line. Religion has been fun to talk about, but the topic gets old and dry, yet somehow i get pleasure from hating.
Yes, hate, wonderful thing, I think that should be real word in the quote "____ makes the world go round." Love, i would say was something concocted, like a drug, to make people forget that differences between people do not matter, unfotunately, they do.
So wake up and smell the reality.
deadnessmaster live again at 9:56 PM