Saturday, July 16, 2005
I feel sad.
We all feel down sometimes. But there's just sad.
It has a totally different feel to things. Feeling depressed is an almost too false a feeling, as if you're supposed to feel happy, people are happy around you, you know you are supposed to be happy but then, there you are just feeling down and out of your mind. You feel like crawling into some dark corner away from everybody else, curl up and cry your heart away, but then eveyones loud voices, jovial faces won't leave you alone, everyone shows up in your face as bright suns of warmth but then there you are, lying your head on the table with that melancholic look and you want all these bright suns to exitinguish.
You want to tell them all to quit smiling and DIE..... JUST DIE.
But you don't bother, sometimes your tolerance just prolonges your suffering, you have this habit of trying your own patience, to see upon what point you can push yourself, until you reach that crevice of boiling lava. Ready to explode in your face and everyone else. But then as your reach that edge they move away, further from you and then you regret. Regret not taking that golden opportunity to unleashed that pent up anger within you. Knowing that your tolerance has gone up again, and your anger has built up in pressure again. You know that when someone finally manages to push you off that ledge, you will kill that person.
You are just waiting, waiting for that sorry bastard to come along to finally push you off the brink. Free fall into pleasurable madness. Someone once called me a sadist cum masochist, maybe i am one. I torture myself, well doesn't everyone?
Don't believe me?
Well, all you have to do is look at yourself. Look at your family. You wonder why you torture yourself to go school everday, when you could be better off doing something more worth it like working, when you can turn all your time and effort towards creating your career. Others have started , why are you still wasting your time here?
There are others who still stick by their girlfriends even though she is a bitch, love left no shadow the day she cheated on you and you found it out from your friend, knowing that everyone knew about it before you. Yet you still live that lie, live it in denial, all the while your mind screams and tears at your heart, telling how foolish can a person can get?
We all have this somewhat sadistic part of us, making us torture ourselves. It seems that we all have this inborn mechanism, that makes us prolonge the inevitable, to allow it come upon ourselves in full blast. Making us sob our hearts out, literally feel our heart tear and rip, never has there been such a horror, such a maleficient feeling ever been born. The type that brings you to your knees in merciless submission, and tames you with a baneful spike through your heart, sticks right in and twists it in with ugly pleasure.
Not many of us have felt that before, but sooner or later, we will be visited upon by it.............. the heart wrencher.
But right now i feel sad. Just sad, sad is just as bad a feeling, i think its almost as bad a feeling as depression and the heart wrencher. Sad is a real feeling unlike depression. Sad is like watching it rain and feeling as if the sun will never come out, never. It has a softer, more innocent nature to it. Yet it relents and gives way if you want it to. Most people will try to cheer themselves up, you can't do that with depression though, its more physiological than mental. Yet knowing how it is with me, and my torturous nature.
I rather be sad than happy.
deadnessmaster live again at 11:23 PM