Monday, October 18, 2004
Whomever put that post on Ahmad's blog, reveal yourself.
I want to know who was the fucking one who put up that stupid comment.
He is not to blame for those anti-depressents that i took. YOU STUPID NUMALREKKA!
If you think that blaming him for what happens to me, will make me feel better. GET REAL!
My problems are my own, not his, not yours.
Did you know how much you spoiled my morning?
I was feeling happy when i came to school. Happy!
But you with your stupid brainless, thoughtless comment, roused this to my attention.
OF all days it had to be a MONDAY!
WHen Ahmad told me about your comment, my mood darkened, and i started to sink into depression again.
Your Fault... Friend.
Its your fault..... Its people like you that make me sick.
My path, my crossroads. I chose that day to sit with Ahmad, and not with my classmates. That day marked a crossroads in my life. I chose the road less travelled and it made all the difference.
But every choice comes with a price. I learned a lot from Ahmad, saw the world through different eyes, but every pair of spirit eyes comes with a price. And I will HAPPILY pay that price, cause it was my choice.
You say that i would not end up as i am if i didn't meet Ahmad, yes thats true.
But my present plight spawns from home, Ahmad can in no way influence what will happen at home. So even if i didn't meet him, i might still be the way i am. MAybe i won't even be here at all. So blaming somebody else for what goes on in my life, will not change it a fucking bit.
And if you want to help me, i will welcome the help you can provide.
BUt unfortunately, you JUST took one step in the wrong direction. YOu tried to get to me by attacking my friend, and that disqualfies you from this rat race. Which makes you unfit to offer help to anybody else, because you are using the WRONG methods, buddy.
So don't give me your help, fuckface. I don't want it.
So reveal yourself Friend, show me who you really are, so that i know who NOT to trust. I Didn't think so. You obviously don't have anymore guts than leaving your anonymous behind. Coward.
You use the internet to play your idiotic tricks to get to people, to hide behind this facade of anonyminity. You have less self-confidence than i have. Go save your damned soul, before thinking of saving mine.
IF my day gets anymore worse than it already is, because of your ignorant, pathos comment. I will be slicing myself, with you in mind.
deadnessmaster live again at 10:53 AM
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Today was one hell of a day.
Many things happened today, which would be the main reason why i'm blogging today.
Firstly, today's happenings has changed my perspective on a few people.
Secondly, i'm not going to talk about it.
You see, my classs told me not to, to keep what happened within my class, so putting everything up on my blog would be a sort of betrayal and treason towards my class, right?
SO since, i'm not going to be talking about what happened in class, what am i going to be talking about?
I learned something today which just came out of nowhere, another of the usual stray thoughts that lie around.
In today's Singaporean society, its the eurasians and the pan-asians and those with mixed blood that rule our current social scene.
Isn't it at least true?
I mean look at that new face award in the papers, all the finalists were eurasians. Its just that they have more unique features than other pure bloods, as in pure chinese, pure malay or pure indian blood in them.
Yeah and they also have better skin than most of us. They're like the epitamy and embodiment of all that is racial in singapore, i mean they are walking 'Racial Harmonies'. They have the attitude of a western and asian as well as the features of a western and asian.
Don't you just HATE them.
More or less, they tend to be rich, notice i said the word 'tend'. Its subjective, so i won't be making an arbitrary prejudice towards them. But to have the perfect skin and perfect physique, its something i would literally exchange my soul for. i already have the brains but unfortunately, life as she does it, likes to play cruel jokes on us. As you know i'm a twin, so life chose split us up, one get the brains, the other gets the brawn. Although, me and my brother are not very far apart in terms of physique and brains, i got a little more of the brains and he got a little more of the brawn. His skin is also much better than mine. And me... i'm fugly.
But if you thought that twins will be alike in all aspects, for me and Clement, that fact could never be more ridiculous. I am the moon, he is the sun. I am water and air, he is earth and fire.
Basically, in layman terms, we're total opposites. Its like we're two halfs of a coin. But we can still live harmoniously together, despite our differences. Heck, i share a room with him. But as much as i wish, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Nobody gets what they really want. Nobody.
You might argue that some people do get to achieve their dreams and get their wants. But who really knows what they want, and IF that is what they really need. More or less, these wants and dreams are implaced there by our parents, influenced by our parents to do what we are expected of society.
So comes the question, What is our real destiny?
What are we really put into the world for? To help others? Or is it to help ourselves? They say that time and fate tell us our destiny, others argue that our destiny is what we make it out to be. But here's what i say, destiny is but a purpose for us to keep fighting on. To that idealistic hope of a greater purpose that has our name on it. I would say that destiny is a lie. Our destiny is not a higher purpose for ouselves or for others. Our destiny is to run this rat race called life, and then die, knowing that this was the best of your effort of trying to live it big and live it good.
Sounds cynical, i know. But thats how i am. Thats how i know that i can die knowing that i'll never miss out on the really big thing, that big purpose meant for all of us. Because there is NO big purpose, NO big destiny.
You don't have to agree with me. Oh and don't bother trying to argue because i'm that stubborn, and what i wrote is merely food for thought. Perfection, something we all strive to acquire but can never achieve. That is why essays never ever get full marks, they're never up to perfection.
deadnessmaster live again at 2:13 PM
Monday, October 04, 2004
The calling its there.
Its calling me, its sweet tune of peace and destruction. Volatile, i say. The volatile enviroment of life in school. Its dangerous, life is dangerous.
I've moved on to an even more difficult phase in my life. My mental state of mind is slipping into the borderlands. They are watching, always watching me. The crowd, them who stalk the night. Reality has finally blurred into fantasy. I'm not making sense am I.
Now i find i'm having daydreams, where the fabric of time just jumps from one point to another, or is it that fabric of reality of this world is joining with another alternate reality.
All i know is that i'm going slowly insane. I keep seeing people die, the dreams that i have at night are getting more elaborate, more defined and complicated. They never make sense at all. They say dreams are a part of the subconscious telling you what is happening in your life and to your body. Not making sense again. I'm not stepping up my revision fast enough. I still have much to cover for my promos. There this innate sense of dread in my body that i will not do well. This post is not disclosing much because there's naught to write about. Life is just so meaningless. So stagnant, like dirtied water in a cup. Its time for MT, why do i even bother.
deadnessmaster live again at 1:15 PM