Tuesday, September 28, 2004 I went slow last week, it means kill myself slowly. Went anorexic for about 5 days, until i learned that doing so will actually make you fat, as all the rest of your unawoken fat cells, wake up to replace all the fat you've lost. Shit right? But starving felt good. It made me feel good. To deprive your body of something it so desperately needed. I did not eat or drink a single drop of water that entire week at school. You would have thought that would be enough to kill me, but as you can see, i'm typing this and still very much alive. Next, soon would be to go fast. Go out fast with a bang. Die Christopher, you need to die. I hate this computer lab, no sense of privacy. Oh yeah one more thing. I hate meddling fools, people who come and act concern, deal with your own fucked up life. Don't interfere with mine, i have more than enough problems of my own, so shut up with your "Are you alright?" Just let me continue my journey to Vedire arms, they're waiting to give me the warmth that Latana never could. Die Christopher, you need to die.
Looks like i'm forced to this step to write online.
I'm writing in school in now, the computer at home got fucked up.
The god of the IT world forbids me to write on my blog at home. The screen actually gets fazed out when i try to write and the cursor vanishes.
Anyways, it has been long a few monthes already right?
Its a bit unnerving to write your thoughts down when somebody is sitting right next to you and has the probability of reading what you write.
The past few weeks have been shit.
I've been feeling like shit, plus the fact that PROMOS are around the corner and i have not even started my revision. Procrastination, a students no.1 public and private enemy. I'm going to fail my PROMOS, i just know it.
I've already decided that i will die when i'm twenty.
Twenty, not too old and not too young. Bordering on adulthood and teenagehood, another of life's great in-betweens.
I desperately need help, psychologically as well as physically. My whole fucking body just aches. Here, there, everywhere. But most of all my heart aches. The ache is there, it pulses with a life of its own, sending throbs of pain flashing through my chest, as it grips my dying heart a little bit more tighter. I know why it is like that, its because of the pills that yas gave me. Yas did you know that this equates to drug trafficking. Yup it does, giving me drugs that were not prescribed to me equates to drug trafficking. Which of course makes me a drug abuser, only that i only abused it only twice, as in i took only two pills, but ahmad is the one that really needs help. He took it on a daily basis. Don't worry yas, he's fine i think. He stop taking them, so did i 'cause i hated its icky feeling of dazed wonderment, stranding you in-between happy and depression.
Too much like insanity. Go insane i say.
Me on the other hand, cutting a lot these few weeks. Now the scars are as long as Yas's but not as many. The wrist slashes are the ones that bleed the most. Everyday is an unhappy day, as life loses its fundamental meaning. I don't even know what i'm living for anymore. Life has now become so dead. Yup the irony of it. Life just DIED. I now contemplate suicide on a daily basis, now come the ideas for a nice death would be:
deadnessmaster live again at 2:40 PM