Friday, May 28, 2004
The enul caught sight of the bandage on my arm.
Shit right?
We were on our way back home from dinner, we were in the lift, when she questioned me about the bandage on my arm. Talk about having no place to run.
This was the conversation.
She says," Why you got a bandage on your arm again, that thing haven't heal yet, is it? Don't tell me that got infection ah..."
I say," No, yesterday we had to move tables to the hall for our GP exam, its in the hall." (It gets so easy to lie to her sometimes, but unfortunately she didn't buy it this time.)
Her eyes narrowed, like snake scrutinizing its prey," Hey! You better not have join a fraternity ah, if you have ah, i tell you, i'm gonna SA PA DE CUM (tagalog curse, i think thats how its spelled) you ah!"
She swipes her hand through the air at my face in a slapping motion.
(Fraternity! Hahaha! ME! in a fraternity? Hahaha!)
I say, " What fraternity? There's no fraternity in Singaporean schools. Plus me, in a fraternity?" in an annoyed tone.
(She somehow seems reassured by my reation.)
She says," What NO fraternity? (she seems a bit appalled by this, almost disbelieving) I tell you, they had a fraternity in my high school."
I say," I tell you there's no fraternity in my school, only ah bengs and ah lians, thats all."
(I try to get in the last word, to top the conversation, but she being the enul she is has to get the last word.)
She spits," DON'T let me catch you!"
Thats the conversation, stupid bitch.
Make me want to puke, keep your stupid face out of my business what i do with my body is none of your business, so FUCK OFF.
deadnessmaster live again at 12:59 PM
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Nice right? nice right? Ahmad did it for me, 'cause i suck at html. I just want to say THANK YOU Ahmad. Well lets come to most interesting part of today.
Today i had a mental breakdown.
Yeah a real mental breakdown, the whole moody type. It started this morning, i was feeling depressed, i don't know why but it must be those things teenagers go through from time to time. Well i was feeling really, really depressed. Then it happened during MT period. I was feeling so depressed of having to do MT, for some reason my emotions started to go haywire, i started to feel really happy for some reason, i don't know why. But i was feeling so happy for about five minutes then i started to feel sad, so sad that i started to tear in class for no apparent reason. I had to wipe my tears using my sleeve. Then i started to get scared, really, really scared. the fear was so great, i started to shiver and quiver in my seat. Then girl beside me was starting to notice how weird i was acting. My hands were shaking and i was breaking into cold sweat. I was so terrified, the fear just struck deep into my heart. The people behind me in MT class started to laugh and talk , curious i turned around to take a look. But my classmate who sits in the row behind me, her name is Valentina, she snapped at me to turn back in front and mind my own business, she was having her PMS i think, so who could blame her. For some reason, i got very offended by this, the emotions started to switch from fear to anger. I got so angry, it was like this little furnace was buring in my chest, all i felt like doing was taking my penknife and sticking it in somebody's eye. All i could do to keep my anger in check was to clench and unclench my hands in order to release my anger, and to control myself. Then the emotions started to leave, leaving me feeling normal. Then the bell rung and MT was over, i immediately rushed down to my home class to jot dwon the experience i just had, when i sat down, then all the emotions started to bombard me in one swoop. I felt like crying, laughing, screaming all at the same time, i started to pray to Tulanx, goddess of the mind, to help me get through this insanity, i still managed to jot down what i was feeling in my little black book. But then i couldn't take it anymore. I snatched my penknife from my pencil case, i had hoped that cutting myself the pain of the cuts would be able to block out the rampaging emotions in my mind and body.
I went to the boy's toilet, and locked myself in one of the cubicles. the first cut as deep but the sharp pain managed to dull the emotions a bit, so i proceeded to cut myself in smaller cuts. The emotions finally faded while the pain, blissful pain ruled my senses. All in all, i had cut myself 4 times, 1 long one, 3 small cuts. I felt numb and empty but i was just happy the emotions weren't there anymore. I had to blot the the cuts with toilet paper until they stopped bleeding. I went back to class to find my speech and drama senior there waiting for me, it seems that Zheng Yang my classmate, in speech and drama too, went off looking for help. My senior proceeded to tell me not to get so stressed up by history. I almost guffawed in his face, he thought i was stressed up by history? Hey, i could hand up a blank piece of paper if i felt like it, but i made a promise to myself to do all my homework. He thought i was stressed up by history, Ha!
Well that was my mental breakdown for today, it was kind of freaky experience, as if dea'drum was punishing me for some thing, or maybe Tulanx, since she is the goddess of the mind , but i don't pay homage to her, i worship Lunae. Thinking back i remember having a nervous breakdown or was what happened toaday a nervous breakdown or is it a mental breakdown? i don't know, i'm confused. Well, i remember it was during the 'o' levels, after i sliced myself over my 'o' level results, still got the scars to show. I remember that going up to my school's councellor to ask for a bandage. I remember writing this in my previous entry, its in my archives but i don't know how to get there.
See i tell you,me and IT don't mix.
Now ihave to put this bandage on to cover the deeper and longest cut. I remember that after cutting myself the first time during the 'o' level results collection day, i've become addicted to cutting myself, i'm like a pain junkie.
Ha... pain junkie thats a good one. Its similar to smokers. To us self-mutilators, the cutting is like taking a puff, while the pain is the nicotine we're addicted to. we live for pain, its the release we seek, the gratification of the act. We do it because the pain releases us from the claws of life, its our way of getting back at life and its vicious ways. We were born of life, and when it hurts us, we hurt it back by cutting the product of life itself. THERE TAKE THAT!.
Thats a good one for describing us, we self-mutilators, PAIN JUNKIES.
deadnessmaster live again at 7:17 PM