Friday, August 27, 2004
Common Tests are bloody over.
Now PROMOS!!!! bloody shit, with cream on top.
These few days have been a rollercoaster ride for me, an emotional one at that. U.I. I know what you're thinking, NO, i'm not in love.
But a mental rollercoaster ride, bordering on insanity. The thing with me is that, my mental condition is not very stable. Sometimes i tend to go on the very extreme side. Like a few days ago, i think about two days ago. I suddenly felt very depressed, so depressed that i did not eat for the whole morning and afternoon, thoughts of suicide were entering my mind, i wanted to jump on the tracks at the bukit batok mrt station. But the train went by too fast for me to make my move. That was how depressed i was. But luckily, yasmeen had some 'happy' pills to give me. I was in dire need for them as well as sleeping pills, i've been having very strange dreams of late.
I took the 'happy' pills, anti-depressents, last night because it said that they would cause drowsiness, well when i got up this morning, i felt like i was in a dream, everything felt so bloody false, i felt also strangely happy for no reason at all, i mean who would be happy about getting up so early in the morning. Anyways throughout the whole way to school i felt like that, it felt horrible. It just felt so false, so un-real, the feeling just disgust me, maybe its because of me being a very pessimistic and cynical person, but just being happy for no apparent reason just irks me. I felt like that for the remaining day, but i could still feel the sense of depression in my chest, locked up by those invisible chains of happiness. Its still there, a constant throb of pain, a pacing tiger held behind bars of plastic, once the tiger gets strong enough it'll break those plastic bars and attack. It'll tear my mind apart, but i must prepare my mental defences, more meditation.
I also got a bottle of sleeping pills from ahmad, to help me sleep, i'll take one tonight so i can sleep well. I finally talked to the career guidance counsellor, the whole thing about the subjects i must have to get in to psychology. Ironic isn't it? Psychopaths wanting to get into psychology to treat other psychopaths. Anyways, he told me the prerequisite for getting into psych, would be to have the base mark of a C6 for your 'O' level maths, but you must have at least one 'A' grade for one of your a level subjects. Which confirms that i do not have to retake my a maths, to get a better grade as all they will take into account for your getting into University is your A level subjects. Hear that Yasmeen! and all other psychiatrist wannabe's,this is what you are to aim for to get into the course that you want, so work hard.
It at least is a weight off my chest. I find these days i don't have much of a social life, i only have two frnds that i go out with, ahmad and yasmeen. Thats all, yeah i cherish them and everything but they have their own social lives but i think i don't have one at all. I hardly go out anymore, just for fun. The last time i went to Orchard road was like ages ago, i won't be surprised if i don't recognise some its features anymore. I think i spend too much time at home or at school or spend the time studying, the last movie i watched was just today at home, 'Zatoichi', this satirical japanese samurai movie, that won quite a few film awards, quite nice, quite gory too, lot of blood spraying everywhere and all, its like every character in the movie that dies, must have high blood pressure or something, or he slashes at the arteries to kill them. Whatever lah, there were wuite a few chopped body part scenes, but the movie was done in a very beautiful way. Sorry, i not much of a movie critic, its a skill one must learn over time, but i do know what good movies are. I like foreign films, next i'm going to watch this french one, i so love laser flair at lot 1. I can rent a lot of shows at cheap prices, at 2,3 or 4 bucks for each movie, also depending how recent it is. But they're movie range is very recent, as well as having alot of foreign films and old shows.
ANyways, sorry for sidetracking there. But i like laser flair. I think that concludes my social life, i need to get more often, go into town, get in touch with the rest of civilisation. Not rattle off about some shop that will keep me from the rest of people, but i must admit i'm not exactly a very people person, must be the way i look at the crowd, i usually look at people passing me by as food, food for dea'drum, ripe for picking, ripe for eating.
Makes me sound less humane doesn't it, yup that does it. Judging by the amount of crap i've just written about my favourite VCD shop, i SO need to get out more often, i need a social life.
deadnessmaster live again at 8:37 PM
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Firstly, the purpose of this post is to answer the questions that adreanna put up on my blog.
Her first question, "Is it fair to deem something you wish to have but cannot possess as sickening just because you are deprived of it's joy?"
My answer, " Yes its fair. Fair to me, of course. Hello, i'm the one being deprived here, its the same thing, if you were going on a diet, wouldn't you say that its sickening to see other people eat chocolate in front of you when you obviously can't have. And i know what you're refering to that, i said that i'm sick of seeing people in love, but i did not said that love was sickening, ( please, don't twist my words...)
Her second question, "If you've created your own religion, has there ever been, at any point in time, this sickening sinking feeling that your belief is as blind as the faith of Christians because this religious and spiritual security you've experienced is created by men? Or should I be more specific? You. Wouldn't you then me your own god?"
My answer, " No, i don't. The very fact that i'm the only one who practices this religion of mine, makes it not blind at all. Look at the logic, if i create my own religion, i only listen to me, and to my god. Christians are followers, they study a book that might have been tampled with by their spiritual leaders, to keep them in line, to keep them goin back to their spiritual leaders for answers to questions that they themselves cannot answer. So you are listening to others, to listen to your god. Is not all interpretations by any human being, biased? Especially that of interpretting the word of god. So now lets move on to TRUTH vs. LIES. I have heard that the bible, the sacred word of god has been rewritten several times, before arriving on the text that you now study, so how can my belief in my god be as blind as yours?"
Her third question," How are you sure you are not worshiping or finding security in things that do not even exist and are no more than figments of your imagination? Again I go back to my point about the relation of this to 'the blind faith.'"
My answer, " How is it that what i believe in cannot exist. I worship the elements, my dear. Can you not feel the air, the breeze, can you not see the earth that is beneath your feet, can you not see the fire that burns, can you not taste the water you drink. Can you not feel the warmth of the sun, see the moon, see the light, see the dark. Can you not hear your own thoughts? If the elements are but a figment of my imagination, then where does your god lie?"
Her fourth and final question," Do you ever feel strange being the only believer in your self created religion? Like there's no form of security that you're not dellusioning yourself because someone else believes in it too?"
My answer," No, i don't feel strange, i feel special, you know, the whole 'i know something you don't ' kind of feeling. And i do NOT understand your last question, i think you're saying " Like there's no form of security that you're not dellusioning yourself because no one else believes in it?" Why should i be so dependent on others to find my answers for me? WHY is it, i cannot find them myself? So what if nobody believes in what i believe, as long as i believe in it who else is to say it false. I don't have to take their opinion into consideration, the same as you don't have to take mine. But if you insist on still believing in what you want to believe in, who am i to stop you, its a new age, you have your wiccans, your pagans and what not. In this controversial age, who is to say what is right and wrong, but stand firmly with the morals we were brought up to believe in. At most, you and i and everybody, will just have to agree to disagree."
So don't get offended by what i say, Adreanna. Its just normal human reaction to defend ourselves and what we believe in, wouldn't you do the same? Oh yeah, next time just don't comment on religion, its just too touchy an issue, and i also have the right to say anything i want on my blog, because its MY blog. So i hope you understand, and sometimes you just have tolerate...
deadnessmaster live again at 5:45 PM
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
It has been like what? Two monthes since i blogged.
Yeah around there, the computer has finally been fixed, and i can blog again.
Today's topic is not of recent events but is a U.I., an Unknown Intuition. A snippet of what i feel.
Love.
Everybody's experienced it. Well not exactly everbody, but you know what i mean.
To tell you the truth, i'm sick of the cliche of going through, describing what love is in great detail. An utmost number of Dead Poets have done that already (my love is a like a red, red rose), so why join the crowd. Lets step away from that and look outside the box, the circle. As Ahmad has repeatedly told me about how i'm always outside of the circle. Lets look at love at another angle, but don't get offended about what i say, so just don't read it then.
Let me quote what one of my friends said to me, some time ago, it goes like this
" I'm so sick of seeing people in love."
It might be a bit cynical, but lets face it, the sight of seeing people in luuurrrrvvvv, just bloody irks me. Well that might be the fact that, i have never been in love before. It might also be the fact that my friend who said that to me had just fallen out of love, and the sight of anybody else being in love just makes him burn with envy and jealousy, that HE should be the one in love not out of it. There you go, another pun on the old saying of 'being out of the circle'. But lets dig deeper. Maybe the real reason for me agreeing to this saying might be because, i've never tasted the sweet burning nectar of luuurrrrvvv, might never be able to. Maybe thats why, i'm so old, i'm seventeen and i still haven't gotten into a real crush with girl, not even from afar. Am i being impatient? Has this urge to experience things gone too far? Rhetorical questions, nothing more, nothing less. Only to be answered by one who never speaks in words but in actions, TIME.
They say that time tells all answers, but how long must we wait? How long must we wait before our questions are answered? Some say, that god will answer all these things when you go stand before him/her. But god is not time. That is why i don't believe in christianity, it deals with faith.
Faith is nothing but blind hope.
I've read your christian teachings, heard your preaches, your sermons, about how one must have faith. Blind hope i say, hoping for the answers to come to you. You had might as well wait until you die. Are not these answers to these questions we have, more important to us when we are living. Even if you get the answers when you die, what about those who are still living? Huh?
What about them? They will still be left in the dark, left unknowing.
Call me a fucking anti-christ, a satanist, or WORSE, an atheist. But i stand strongly in my belief that standing around waiting for answers to drop out of the sky, like the miracles you christians so devoutly believe in, will be the worse crime RELIGION has ever committed.
Thats why i never believe in hope, hoping can cause some of the most serious psychological traumas in anybody. I have a saying that ' hope can lift you high above the ground, by coincidence you get what you were hoping for, you'll be on cloud nine. But if you don't get what you are hoping for, it can slam you so hard into the ground, you won't be able to pick up where you left off.'
Well, i think you've seen how much a pessimist i can be. Thats why i turn to other religions to fill that empty hole in my body, the one deprived of the spiritual food it needs. But then i couldn't find anything that i can truly believe in, isalm looked too much like christianity, its many restricitions and rules, looked more like extra heavy chains that i would not like to carry. Then there's buddhism, the path to enlightenment and then one would be able to gain immortality or is it peace at the end of it. It did not appeal to me, why? It was not able to satisfy the darker side of me.
People of the above religions, like to suppress the darker sides of themsleves, some refuse to acknowledge it completely, and then whats left is a hypocrite. A two-faced, schizophrenic psycho. The more they suppress their darker selves, the more it starts to show, and thats where you have your alter ego theory coming in. Look at America, there are so many cases of catholic priests raping and molesting little boys. The darker side of them takes control and then they start being religious again, as if their god will cleanse them of all their sins and that being a priest allows them a bigger grant of forgiveness. Thats why i turn to myself and took what i knew and made a religion of my own. Free of the restrictions all other religions have, i built upon the very things we feel and experience in our lives. I feel that this way, i'll be able to have greater balance over what i feel and experience, able to find the reason for it within myself and around me, not from a book, not from somebody elses mouth, that might only be their way of interpretation of the reason behind it, their answer to the questions that we have.
Thats why i'm proud to say i'm a vena'ar, as proud as all of you who have read this entry, proud of their own religions, now filled with the self-righteous pride and fury against me for denouncing your religion. Well, i did warn you at the beginning that i would be touching on a very sensitive subject. So its your own fault that you let your curiousity get the better of you.
Its good to blog again.
deadnessmaster live again at 9:52 PM